Humor Quotes

“Were it not for my little jokes I could not bear the burdens of this office.”

Abraham Lincoln

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“It isn't so astonishing, the number of things that I can remember, as the number of things I can remember that aren't so.”

Mark Twain

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“Herodotus says, "Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all: the conscientious historian will correct these defects.”

Mark Twain

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“I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.”

Mark Twain

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“Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.”

Mark Twain

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“October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.”

Mark Twain

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“I asked Tom if countries always apologized when they had done wrong and he said: "Yes: the little one does."”

Mark Twain

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“′Classic′ - a book which people praise and don't read.”

Mark Twain

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“In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.”

Mark Twain

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“He had had much experience of physicians, and said 'the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not'.”

Mark Twain

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