Humor Quotes

“When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.”

Mark Twain

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“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.”

Mark Twain

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“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”

Mark Twain

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“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

Mark Twain

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“Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.”

Mark Twain

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“Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.”

Mark Twain

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“It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.”

Mark Twain

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“It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.”

Mark Twain

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“It's considered good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.”

Mark Twain

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“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.”

Mark Twain

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